At Home Insecurity

Monday, January 8, 2007

Written by Samartha Gamble

Dear Sammy,

I recently married a man that I truly love. Now, six months into our marriage, I am being confronted with a hurtful side of my husband; a side I never knew he was capable of having. I’m not an unreasonable or raving woman but I feel that it is wrong of my husband to make me feel so isolated and ignore me when we go out or are around other women. Whenever we’re out I can’t help but think we’re going to have an unpleasant time because of the way he makes me feel small and then accuses me of being insecure. This really hurts because I am not insecure by choice; my husband has this horrible habit of looking at other women when we’re out together and when I call him on it and tell the way it makes me feel, he says that all men look at other women, and that I should work on my own insecurity.

On New Year’s Eve, his insensitive behavior finally took a toll on me. We attended a house party where most of the guests were married couples. My husband would thoughtlessly leave me standing alone while he went off to talk to other couples. Then, if he wasn’t talking, he was staring; it was like I wasn’t even there. I felt so worthless being shown such disrespect, so I went out on porch for some fresh air. My husband finally came out to find me with two other couples, and instead of acknowledging my feelings, he told the other strangers on the porch that the reason that he doesn’t take me anywhere is because of my tendency to be embarrassing while destroying his fun. He then took me home, and returned to the party solo. I was humiliated, and now I feel guilty because he’s succeeded in making feel and look insecure in public. Sammy does my reaction make me an insecure person?

  • Insecure Wife

Dear Insecure,

Let’s start off by understanding the meaning of the word “secure”. Secure means to feel safe, and if someone who claims to love us isn’t making us feel safe then, naturally, we feel insecure. That being said, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t react or feel angry, so please don’t feel at fault; your reactions are understandably warranted. Now that the two of you are married, you should be the apple of his eye and secure in the knowledge that your emotions matter to him, not worrying about how he makes you feel insignificant. The only thing he seems to have succeeded at is securing your hand in marriage, while failing to protect the things that go with it, like your self-worth. Unfortunately though, considering his macho behavior, I sincerely doubt that he can be expected to admit to his role in your negative reactions and feelings.

Insecure people, who are plagued with a self-righteous spirit, seldom give in and admit to their wrongdoings; so don’t expect him to admit to his role in isolating you in public. Change those expectations and change them fast because you have to fight now - not just to preserve your marriage, but to retain your dignity as well. Try not to call him on his unflattering public behavior for now, but instead, get to know him and understand why he craves the attention of other women so badly. If he opens up to you about his insecurities, then continue to be a wife and exercise empathy and understanding while helping him take the steps towards being a better man. If he has no desire to let you in, then take that as a sign that there is trouble ahead and prepare for a storm with self-faith, but don’t worry as this will eventually evolve into courage. Remember “Insecure”, you are a newly wed, and your first few months as man and wife can be thorny. Stay away from the thorns and keep faith in your goodness.

  • Sammy
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