But what about the niceties?

Monday, January 29, 2007

Written by Samartha Gamble

Dear Sammy,

I'm sure this is a question that other guys have too. Why do nice guys finish last? I'm a fairly good-looking guy, well built with a good job. My problem is that I think I am too nice to women. It always seems to me that the guy that isn't so nice, and can be a real jerk, usually ends up with the girl. Is it possible to be too nice? I need your opinion, just to know if I need to change or not.

The Gimp in Springdale

Dear Gimp in Springdale:

You can never be too rich or too thin, or so the saying goes, but can you ever be too nice? Absolutely! It is possible to be nice to a fault and when you are to end up feeling like you’re getting the short end of the stick. While there is nothing wrong with being nice, there is something wrong with being too nice. Being too nice means not asserting yourself, not standing up for your wants and not expressing your needs; thus cultivating nothing but an unhealthy self-concept. More often than not, being too nice, can be interpreted as being phony or weak, and can prevent people from seeing our other features because we are too busy pleasing and tending to their comforts.

That being said, Gimp, your struggles seem to stem from the fact that you are trying too hard to make these women feel more worthwhile, while minimizing your own self-worth and needs in the process. While it is our hope as humans to expect that our niceness will beget niceness from others, it is a far cry from the societal reality. Your experiences of being too nice and eager to please should alert you to that fact. You shouldn’t hold yourself back from being nice if you truly are- but understand though, that being too nice is only a prerequisite for participating in the race. There are still, above all the niceness, compatibility and chemistry factors to contend with.

So try thinking of you just a little bit more. Forget about attaining rewards for your niceness, and in that way, when you are disappointed by a dating outcome, you don’t beat up over your niceness. Gimp, as you continue conquering your challenges remember your niceness may be a bother to your relationships, but at the end of the day an essential virtue in maintaining your honour. In the meantime take comfort in knowing that you can’t ever be labeled as a jerk.

Keep believing in your goodness!

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