Friends are dangerous. Stay away from them.

Sunday, October 2, 2005

  • Choose wisely.

    Choose wisely.

Written by Marty Williams

Of all the clichés that we buttonhole students with, perhaps none is so insidious, so dangerous and sinister, as “university is a place where you will make lifelong friends.” It seems innocently trite, banal enough to ignore, but that’s only because we neglect to add this caveat: “so watch out.”

What we really should say is, “be careful now or you will be very, very sorry later. Watch out who you befriend because it is sure to bite you on the ass at some point.” If we really wanted to give good advice, we’d say “if you can manage it, try to avoid friendship altogether.”

After all, if it’s true that these are the people you will turn to in times of need for the rest of your life, you had better be careful about whom you choose to be chummy with. It would be much better to pick your friends as you would a spouse: ask yourself how they can make your life better, your ride easier, your time here on earth more likely to involve fancy cocktails at a really nice cottage?

Remember that you have quite recently escaped from the clutches of your loser high-school friends, those crabs in the bucket that wanted to pull you down, knock you up, and/or get you busted for selling a little bit of crack to help pay tuition fees. Congratulate yourself that you are free of the dorks and goobers that populate whatever backwoods hell-hole or urban wasteland your parents forced you to live in before you landed here. You survived all the stupid ideas, the scams, the illegal and immoral and downright disgusting things some pal thought would be a good idea to do.

Don’t press your luck. Don’t blow it by getting mixed up with other people all over again. After all, there are dorks and goobers aplenty right here in Guelph so don’t make the mistake of believing that you have leaped into a better bucket of people just because they are in university. If anything, that just makes them more dangerous. And if you think that befriending any of your fellow students will be akin to hitching your wagon to a star, think again. It’s more like hitching your wagon to a street light – and not a very bright one at that. If you don’t believe me, ask yourself this: you’re here; just how first-rate super-special are you? Is your ascendancy to the top so assured that you could pull a half-dozen good-for-nothing drinking buddies with you? Is your family so rich that anybody who throws in their lot with you would feel like they’ve won the 6/49? Do you have a brain so big and a back so strong that anybody can tag along? No? Well then what makes you think the puffy little weasel on your left chanting “chug, chug, chug” will be in any better a position to hoist you up?

It is far more likely that these “friends” of yours will be a great big roadblock, an ass pain, an irritant at best and the cause of your downfall at worse. They are the people most likely to steal your CDs, your clothes, and your true love -probably all in the same afternoon. They will drag their muddy shoes across the floor of your soul. They will betray you, they will annoy you, they will tell everybody that hideous secret you’ve confessed to them and laugh while they’re doing it. And yet you will seek them out. One question: are you fucking crazy?

Consider also that the people you befriend now are the people whose weddings you will be forced to attend in the future. And when you do, they will expect you to make a nice speech recounting the story of how you became friends in the first place – which you will do. But you won’t tell the truth. There are two reasons for this: one, the truth is so shamefully boring that you are unlikely to remember it; and two, if you do remember that first meeting you will be wise enough to know that it’s not what you should actually say. You’re not going to warm the cockles of anybody’s heart with “s/he was just there, like in the room next door. I was bored. I thought at first s/he was a psycho, but nobody else was around and I wanted to get high, so I asked if s/he wanted to smoke a rock. S/he said, “whatever.” Later we split a cab downtown. And now s/he’s getting married. Whathefuck, huh?”

But if you need further proof that friends will do you no good, consider an item in the Globe and Mail newspaper from Friday September 23/05 entitled “Polish man seeks Canadian refuge from bar buddies.” The story says that this man wanted to stay in Canada because he was afraid of his friends. As a severe alcoholic, he claimed that if he returned to Poland his buddies would make him drink so much that he would end up in an insane asylum. This man is not afraid of being shot by an army or torn to bits by an angry mob – but his fear was no less real.

“God protect me from my friends,” the saying goes, “from my enemies I can protect myself.” Too true; too true.

Friends seem like a nice thing to have, but on close examination you will discover that they are in fact hazardous to your health, your wealth, and your chances of ever graduating. In that regard they resemble electoral democracy, or doing charitable works, or reading Moby Dick: the theory of it is much more pleasant than the practice. The idea of friendship fills us with warmth, while actual friendship is more like an unreachable itch, a stone in your shoe, a thumb-tack in your condom.

After all, who but friends can let you down? A stranger wouldn’t treat you as bad as a friend surely will -- but even if they did, you wouldn’t feel it so intensely so you wouldn’t really care. Here’s and example: right now there are over 6 billion people not calling me up inviting me out for a beer and some chicken wings, but I only care about – am only disappointed in an a bit pissed of with -- the few who actually said they were going to call me and haven’t. It is only my “friends” who have left me here to vent my anger and outrage at the computer screen. The bastards.

Well I say fuck them and their beer and chicken wings. I hope they choke on them, I hope. . .

Oops, there’s the phone. Gotta go.

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  1. Posted by: bernard shakey on Oct 3, 2005 @ 11:22am

    I've seen Marty after beer and wings. He actually tried to put thumbtacks in our shoes. While we were wearing them. Then he got all sensitive when we published those naked pictures of him on the net. Hey, isn't that what friendship is all about?

  2. Posted by: Alex on Oct 4, 2005 @ 12:02pm

    My roommates exsistence has a better point than this article.

  3. Posted by: Zoe on Oct 6, 2005 @ 11:34am

    I agree. Especially with the last paragraph. People are fucks. A person is alright, but most of them don't give others the time of day anyway.
    Boo to people.

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