Inordinate Ordnance: Beards, Beards, Beards.
Thursday, January 10, 20130 Comments
Gather ’round, let Uncle Chris impart some knowledge on you. I see a lot of pristine real estate walking around campus—each an untapped canvas. I see what you must be calling a mustache. I see those sideburns, serpentine and unkempt, like they were stripped from Elvis’s toileted corpse. I see a lot of talent, but what I don’t see, is nearly enough beards.
Some of you young men might be saying, “But Chris, I can’t grow a beard.” And my rebuttal is simple: I don’t care. A tried-and-failed beard is better than any clean shaved yuppie any day of the month. You got the patchy kind, it shows your youth, but still rebellious side. You say it makes you look homeless? That’s beardism, and there is no place for it in this institution of higher learning. You should be ashamed.
Say what you will about hipsters, but they have done the bearded community a great service. Since the 1950s the beard has had an uphill struggle. It fought communism, the soviets and kept us warm during the cold war. In the 1960s through the 70s, it was claimed by the hippies (as a lentil soup strainer, I think) and thus forever branded and the lazy-man’s facial hair choice. In the 80s, the beard hit its lowest point, with the rise of yuppie culture and people not wanting to look like pedophiles. Imagine! In the 90s and the early 2000s, we the bearded, got terrorist added to our grizzled dossier of historical contexts.
I say no more! We the bearded (and potentially bearded) need to rise up and claim what is ours. And what is ours? The inch of space the hangs hairless under our noses. The cold air the brushed against our shaven, wholly oppressed cheeks. Our weak chins, starving for even a modicum of masculinity. This, gentlemen, is where we make our stand. We the bearded, stand together. We the bearded, shave for no man, or woman.
“But Chris, my significant other doesn’t like facial hair.” Poppycock! Would you say to your fish they can’t have water because your hair fizzles when wet? Would you tell the majestic eagle he can fly no more because you get a little air sick on the ride? This will not stand, man. This injustice will not stand. To tell a man he can not grow out his face hair is like telling a man he should be ashamed of his erections. It’s a man’s world (the facial hair world), and only he can be judged by his fellow bearded peers. We the bearded, hold our own in high esteem.
Furthermore, I have seen many the she-kind turned to the way of the hairy chinned MANimal. You snuggle a bearded man, and tell me that shit doesn’t feel amazing. You cannot.
My people have been oppressed for too long. A beard is simply not a fad, nor is it a choice. We the bearded were born this way (well probably 13 or 14 years after we were born) but regardless, this is who we are and this is who we will remain to be. And to you, the clean shaven, what is your excuse? You defiantly walk about, in public no less, with naked face-skin, in the face of your true identity, as one of, we the bearded? You turncoats better watch yourself, you may just wake up with a beard glued to your face and the beginnings of self-respect, if you aren’t careful.
We the bearded, do not suffer tourists. To those with mustaches, goatees, neck beards and chin-straps, you have a start, but what good is foreplay without sex? Only bearded children may walk in the kingdom of our Lord, Galifianakis. Don’t squander your gift. Wear it, on your face, like last night’s short-rib sauce.