Inordinate Ordnance - Horse Meat, Cow Meat, What's the Difference?
Monday, March 4, 20132 Comments
Horse, cow, donkey, marmot, seagull, Chihuahua—what’s the difference? It all tastes the same, slathered in Sweet Baby Rays, between two buns, stuffed into the maw of your ravenous face-hole.
Recently, some of the meat coming out of the UK has been found to have traces of horse meat, causing would-be carnivores to stand up in disgust. Even more recently, traces of horse meat have been found in IKEA’s famous Swedish meatballs. They’ve since been pulled from their restaurants, but marzipan princess cakes are still available, thank god for small miracles.
But, really, why are people upset about this? How is eating a horse any different than eating a cow or a pig. Personally, I’ve always felt that horses are the d-bags of the animal kingdom—with their muscles and air of entitlement. If animals had credit cards, horses would shop at Hollister. If any animal deserves to have a bite taken out of it, it’s a horse.
Anyway, the shocking thing is that everyone is disgusted because of the animal they’ve mistakenly ingested. Give us not the pretty animals, feed us the dull, dopey cow, they say, spitting flecks of buffalo wing at their TVs. Although cows can recognize over 100 different companion cows and develop long-lasting relationships with humans and cows alike. What about pigs? It’s been shown that they have the same developmental intelligence as a human three-year-old. If intelligence is a factor in what meat we eat, then serve up Honey Boo Boo. Pigs could teach her entire family a thing or two.
What are is the statute of limitations of the devour-ability of certain animals? Cows, pigs and chickens add nothing besides sustenance to society, where a horse is a working animal, maybe. Then serve up a nice sloth steak. They literally, do nothing. How about your cat? Whens the last time he earned a solid wage? Seagulls, all they do is defecate, I’m sure they’d be great with a nice candied orange sauce and side of hamster-poppers.
If it’s not usefulness that keeps and animals from keeping my mashed potatoes company, than what is the stipulation? It’s obviously not intelligence, or I’d be having a cheese and Kardashian sandwich for lunch. Is it beauty? “Horses and beautiful creatures, they are majestic, strong, they should not be eaten.” Bull. I’ve seen some cows that are downright stupid-cute and who among us hasn’t cooed at the adorability of Babe and his hilarious adventures? Certainly, that’ll do.
Again, what makes Horse-meat any worse than regular meat that human beings eat on a catastrophic scale? Is it health? It can’t be because red meat is one of the leading factors causing heart disease. The amount of steroids pumped into chickens to fatten them up, affects our own intake of antibiotics and medicines. This is somehow a healthier option?
What’s our best option here? Well, stop it. Just knock it off. Don’t eat animals and you won’t have to convince yourself of these arbitrary distinctions. What’s okay to eat and what’s not okay to eat is a very simple distinction: don’t eat anything that would suffer so you can get fatter. If I stuck you with a fork, you’d tell me to stop it wouldn’t you? So why do we do it three times a day to those who can’t tell us they’d prefer we had a salad instead. The sickening part about this scandal is not that it’s horse meat mistakenly being eaten, it’s that the human species still eats meat at all. How many times do we have to through E. Coli. Threats and salmonella outbreaks before everyone realizes this system of eating animals is a flawed one. Stop eating animals, it’s very simple.