The Problem with Space

Monday, February 12, 2007

Written by Samartha Gamble

Dear Sammy:

I am a 24 year old female. My boyfriend of two years has decided that he needs time apart to see if he still loves me. This separation was totally unforeseen as we’ve always confronted our problems through reason and love and the fact that he is questioning his love for me makes me feel even more hurt. I have been a supportive and responsible partner, who has given him his freedom even though it’s made me feel insecure in the process. In the meantime, I am left to wait for a month for his decision. I've gone through the uncontrollable crying stage and the angry stage, but now I'm just feeling helpless. I don't know what to think or do, Sammy. I’m not sure if I should go on with my life without him or just continue to hope that things will go back to how they were before. Can you give me some advice?

  • Mystified!

Dear Mystified:

It sounds like your boyfriend is going through a lot right now—so much that he's not really sure what it is he needs and when or if he even wants to be in a relationship. I am so sorry for your grief, but if he is questioning his love for you, then this just might be a good time to question your love for him. Why should you continue to love someone who is questioning their love for you? Love is not something that one has to think about; rather it is something that one feels. So if he doesn’t feel love, then there is no point in trying to force love. Even if he decides in a month that he still loves you, I highly doubt that your feelings are going to be the same towards him after this most upsetting month’s probation. Wipe those tears and forget about hope. Hope in a situation such as yours may keep you enslaved and with no guarantee that he’ll come back to you. Focus on continuing on with your life instead and regardless of what the outcome, you’ll at least be emotionally strengthened to face it. Show this guy your worth, fight to maintain your dignity through the waiting period. Use everything from friends, family, and movies to create a distraction, and turn your storm into calm. You are still young and this is not the end for you and in a month, after you have endured this pain, you may not even want to be in this relationship. In the meantime, use this discharge time to take yourself out of this helplessness and into a stage of acceptance. By accepting the situation, you will have more control over your feelings and you will succeed in ridding yourself of your pain more quickly. Give him the space that he wants and use this time to realize what you need to work on for yourself as well. If your relationship had strength to begin with, then taking this time apart can only strengthen it. I sincerely hope things work out for you. One thing is for sure, you are not alone. We all go through this at some point. Continue to believe in your goodness and remember anything painful, is eventually gainful.

  • Sammy
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